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Within the past 2 years, I have lost many people that are close to me, both family and friends.
Here I am again in the same position trying to accept that a loved one is most likely going to die. The last of this generation - everyone else is already gone. I often wonder how people think, feel, and react when they are close to death.
Do they question their lives? Wonder if they lived with a purpose? Ask if they were a good mother, sister, grandparent? Made the world just a tiny bit better?
What is it - as humans - that makes us want to change the world in one lifetime? Did we love enough? Did we hate enough? Did we make something of ourselves for our own benefit and for those we love and care about?
I don’t know if I will every be prepared to say goodbye to anyone - I think I have got it right in my head, and that I understand the emotions I will go through - but I never do. It’s always a different scenario, a different feeling, a different recovery.
Moderate believers like to think we will meet our “maker” in heaven and reuinite with our loved ones. But modern science has not physical proof of this - SO DO IT NOW, SAY IT NOW, HELP THIS PERSON get through their last days as a happy person. They know it’s coming, they are more prepared to go than you think. Make it a good memory instead of a sad one.
Loss is such a horrible emotion, is it possible to make it a positive? YES it is, you can look back on this persons life, celebrate them, remember how they helped you grow up, cherish the memories. It is so often that we forget to do this. We just try so hard to move on by ignoring the obvious - we are hurt, someone is no longer there, we may be angry, we may feel guilty for things left unsaid or undone before this person died. We never focus on the good things - the mark this person left on us, and on others. If we focus on that - it is easier to accept the fact that they are in fact gone.
At any second someone can be taken away from this earth, out of our lives - whether there is an afterlife or not - this person can live on in our hearts, in our everyday actions, in our thoughts, and stories of them.
With that said - my grandmother has aggresive cancer that appeared out of nowhere. She is the last grandparent I have. The last of that generation. It’s her decision whether she goes through with treatment or not. I do know that this will be hard, and I am more worried about how I can take care of my mother, and my family than myself. Only time will tell. In the meantime the best I can do is stay positive not only for my own well-being, but for my family, and especially my grandmother. No one should ever feel alone or unloved when they are dying. They need to know that they lived a good life.
Take a step back. You’re human. You are beautiful. You are so beautiful. & you can be anything. You can be everything. Don’t hate because someone broke your heart. Or because your parents split. Or because your best friend betrayed you. Or because the kid down the street called you fat, ugly, stupid or worthless. Cry when you want too, let go when its time. Don’t hang onto painful memories because your afraid to let go. Let go of things that are in the past. Forget things that aren’t worth remembering. Stop taking life for granted. Live for something. Live for yourself. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Question things. Tell someone how you really feel. Sleep under the stars. Create. Imagine. Inspire. Meet new people. Make someones day. Follow your dreams. Live life to the fullest. And one day when your old, look back with no regrets.
Am I doing with myself right now? I don’t know. Phone is off. Computer is about to go off. I’m going to revel in complete silence without any interruption. I don’t NEED to know the answers right now. I just NEED to get through another day and I’ll figure the rest of this bullshit out some other time. Maybe tommorow. Maybe not. But for now - I’m zoning out.
I always end up being the girl that everyone takes advantage of, because well, I am way too nice. I think that maybe- just maybe I’ve found someone who deserves everything I am willing to give him without second guessing. He’s kind, caring, and honest. He takes care of me when he doesn’t have to. He introduces me to new things, places, ideals, and culture. He makes me want to be a better person, to be motivated, not for him, but for myself. He is real. He’s not a child, already has a mom, and treats me like I haven’t been treated in a LONG TIME. I see things in the future - and for once it doesn’t scare the shit out of me. I see myself building a life with him, sharing my life with him, and ultimately having a best friend. I want to be the best girlfriend I possibly can for him. He deserves it. He deserves all the best things life has to offer, and I want to be one of those things.